Parenting for Teens

Parenting for Teens

A rebellious teenager in a household can cause tremendous stress and disruption in your family life. Shipping your teen to a remote island is unfortunately not a practical solution. Understanding the cause and sharpening our parenting skills might be a better route to take to minimize teenage rebellion. The result can be very rewarding both in the short and long run.

Like life’s many problems, in order to solve a problem, we need to first understand the root of the issue. Teenagers are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. This change and growth is often accompanied by a myriad of hormonal changes. These hormonal changes often dictated the teenager's emotions, actions and reactions. This is also the stage  your teenager is trying to discover who he is and how he can transition from childhood to adulthood.

Unlike when he was a child, your teenager wants his space. In other words, he wants to make his own decisions and spend less time with you as the parent. This stage calls for you, as the parent, to shift gears and tweak your parenting approach. Parenting teens is different from parenting younger child.

The Teenage Brain

According to the University of Rochester Medical Centre, the rational part of the teenage brain, which is the prefrontal cortex, is still developing. That part of the brain will not be fully developed until he is around 25 years of age. Hence, teenagers tend to rationalize information using the emotional part of the brain, which is known as the amygdala. In other words, teenagers tend to be dictated by their emotions.

As much as they need their space and independence, parents need to offer guide and discipline.  However there is a delicate balance of needing the control as parents and fostering a sense of self and responsibility in your teenager. How much control should we give away? What control are we giving away? It's evident that breathing down their necks every hour will only lead to parent-child conflicts. Yet if left alone, some teenagers will engage in behaviors that are viewed as self-indulging, self-centered, and irresponsible. So, what is a parent to do?

Understand your teenager’s developmental needs

According to Erikson’s stages of human development, the major task to be accomplished during the teen stage is identity development. Thus, part of being a teenager is discovering self as he transitions from childhood into adulthood. This is where they are trying to find out who they really are. With the need to learn who they are, comes the need to make their own decisions. Teenagers tend to gravitate towards their peers rather than their family to know who they are apart from their family. This individuation is where they try to discover their values, goals and dreams they can claim ownership of. Parents tend to see this as rebellion or rejection of the family or the parents.. This is where different parenting styles come into play. As previously mentioned we should shift gears and change our parenting styles to accommodate the changes that come with teenagehood. It is important that we allow them develop into their own person, but at the same time, ensure that they still value family time. Find something that both you and your teenager enjoy doing during family time. You might have to learn his new interests and try and engage in them as well. A common ground can help you stay connected.

Importance of parent-child relationship

It is essential to remember, that even if your teenager wants his space, parent-child relationships still matter. The bond that you worked so hard to develop when he was younger is still a crucial factor to how your teenager turns out. Recent research confirms that teenage behavior is connected to the nature of their relationship with their parents. If the relationship is poor, the teenager is more likely to end up taking drugs and engaging in early sexual activity. However, teenagers that enjoy a good relationship with their parents are more likely to perform better in school and overall good behavior.

First, determine if the rebellious behaviors are caused by behavioral or mental disorders. Most parents would have already known in the early years of their child's life.  If your child has always been a difficult case, seek professional counseling ASAP. 

Teenage years are the most difficult and confusing time in one's life. Teenagers struggle through identity crisis, peer pressure, self esteem, acceptance and relationship issues. We know that a large percentage of adults go through depression. We seldom recognize teenage depression. Frustration with school and friends can add to the discomfort of their fluctuating hormones. Pay attention to your teenager and if needed, enroll them in stress management programs or professional counseling. Most health insurance policies will cover that.

Any dramatic events in your child’s life, like divorce of parents, death of a close family member or friend, need to be dealt with through professional counseling and therapy. Having said all that, there are many proactive approaches parents can adopt to assist your teenager through this particular stage of life.

Prayers, prayers and prayers. Through our prayers, we can gain wisdom, insight and inner strength from God. Prayers keep parents from stepping over the line to insanity. It can also prevent unnecessary hurts and resentments caused by actions and reactions in the name of parental love.

1. Be a good role model: Teach your child good values and morals through your own actions and behaviors. Start them in community services and volunteer work early in life. Involve them in church groups and activities.

2. Be consistent and fair: Establish consistent house rules that are age appropriate and stick to them. Punishment for wrong doings should be doable, spelled out clearly and followed through. Once punished, you should not use it against your child in the future. It is totally unfair to ask your teenager to follow rules that you cannot do yourself.

3. Be Involved: Spend time with your teenagers doing what's fun for them. Listen to their music, watch their favorite shows, play their favorite games with them. They are more open to conversations in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Besides, you would like to know what influences them. If they are heading in the wrong direction, you can steer them back before it's too late. 

4. Be understanding: Being a teenager is all about "Hanging out with Friends" and being accepted by others. The peer pressure a teenager goes through can be very stressful in their perspective. NEVER EVER embarrass your teenagers in front of their friends. NEVER EVER get personal when your teenager choose to hangout with friends rather than going to a family gathering with you on an ordinary weekend. Include their friends in your family events instead. 

5. Be generous: Give some phone privilege to your teenager. A separate house line only cost $5.00.  Pick a cell phone plan that includes unlimited texting. Your teenagers are going to talk and text and talk and text to their friends no matter what. Save yourself the agony of cell phone overages.

6. Be a good chauffeur: Offer to drive your teenagers and their friends around whenever possible. A home trapped teen can't be a happy one. If they need to be out about anyway, you would want them to be in safe rides. 

7. Be a good host: Welcome their friends into your house and never judge their buddies. Make your home a teen hangout haven. The more time your teenagers spend at home, the less likely they will get into trouble outside. 

8. Be wise: Whenever possible, say "YES" to their requests as long as they are not outrageously ridiculous. Reserve the "NO's" only to major decision making and to requests that post potential danger to their safety and health. 

9. Be patient: Leave your teenagers alone when they are in a bad mood. Give them space and time to come around. NEVER demand an answer for their moodiness. They are as clueless as you are. If something is really bothering them, you will hear it when they are ready. 

10. Be a good listener: listen to your teenagers and find out what troubles them. NEVER lecture them when they are venting their problems to you. They already feel miserable. You don't need to tell them what they did wrong. They will stop talking to you if you do. Save your advices and opinions some other time. You want your teenagers to always come to you if they are in trouble. 

11. Be less critical: Constant criticism can lead to adverse effects. Recognize and praise your teenager’s strengths and avoid comparing them to others. Enjoy your child's uniqueness. Ignore minor mistakes.

12. Be supportive: Get involved in your teenager’s activities as much as they want you to and be a good cheer. They need acceptance and approval from you as much as from their friends. 

13. Learn About The Technology They Use: Technology is always changing. The devices teenagers use this days are more advanced than the ones we were exposed to during our teenage years. Now, they can talk to their friends through various social media platforms such Snapchat, Whatsapp, Facebook,  and Instagram. Learn about them and use these platforms as well. Track their behavior and activities on these platforms. This will help you learn more about his/her interests. Moreover, you will be able to advise and protect them from unscrupulous internet scams among other things.

14. Be humble: Admit your own mistakes: You will get more respect from your child. They can also learn from your mistakes. 

15. Be human: Always try to remember what you were like when you were a teenager. Remember the mistakes you made. Just because we have matured through our trials and mistakes doesn't mean our children do not have the right to experience their own. The next time you want to be harsh with them, put yourself in their shoes first. 

16. Be a friend and a family: Once your child becomes a teenager, the nature of your relationship essentially changes. Your teenager needs a parent and a friend at the same time. You should still set the limits that they shouldn't cross, and still be there to love and accept them. Try and remember how you were in your teenage years, and you'll be more understanding of your teenage child.

17. Let Them Find Their Passion: As we've already established, your teenager is trying to chart his own course in this particular stage. The key thing is to walk by  his side while as he walks along. Avoid forcing your dreams and wishes down his throat, and support what your teenager is passionate about instead.

18. Eat meals together as a family: Always eat meals together, especially at the end of the day. During this time, you can discuss the day's events and learn about how your teenager is handling his daily life and activities. These discussions are important as they can help you stay up to date with your teenager's life. Moreover, they can help you notice or identify any problems that he/she may be experiencing. Refrain from unwanted advice giving or lecturing at meal times. Otherwise your teenager will find excuse to avoid dinner time. Forcing your teenager to sit with the family for dinner is not a productive method, but can only lead to more conflicts.

It is a very challenging task to raise a teenager as parents, as much as it is for a teenager to transition from being a dependent child into an adolescence and eventually adulthood. Remember we are the parents here, who are supposed to help our children through this difficult time of life.  Seek wisdom, plan strategies and shower your child with love. Be firm and assertive when you need to be, but still be willing to let them make mistakes, grow, and discover themselves.

Managing Toddler Temper Tantrums

Raising a child is a full- time job that requires your undivided attention right from the moment of their birth. However, what most people remain unaware of is that different stages of childhood development call for different parenting styles.

How you parent a toddler is not the same way you parent a teenager. For the purposes of this article, we shall be focusing on parenting toddlers effectively. Once your child is a toddler, he or she is in the second stage of development.

During this stage, they are still learning how to communicate. In other words, they are still developing their language skills. Hence, they are unable to communicate their needs and wants to the parent effectively. This is why they often resort to tantrums.

Even though toddlers temper tantrums can be terrible and annoying, hence the term “terrible twos”,  they are a part of a child’s developmental process. We as parents, have to learn how to handle a toddler temper tantrums. We are there to help our children navigate through this difficult period as they grow up; and assist them to learn the skills so they can master life’s tasks successful for during this process. Let us first start by defining what a toddler temper tantrum is.

Toddler Temper Tantrum Defined

A tantrum is often characterized by screaming, crying, falling on the ground, hitting, kicking and so forth. As previously mentioned, toddlers are still trying to develop their language and communication skills. Hence, they cannot communicate effectively. Tantrums are a way of communication on their end and are most common between the ages of 1-3. Temper tantrum is how they communicate that they are upset, or a particular need or want is not being met.

Toddler temper tantrums can continue well beyond their 3rd year. If this happens, your child may still be learning how to effectively communicate, as well as manage his emotions. Temper tantrums in older children, beyond the ages of three, can also be due to what is termed as a power struggle. This is because your child wants to experience a sense of autonomy, and more control over their surrounding environment. However, once they experience less control than they actually desire, they get frustrated and throw a temper tantrum.

Tips to manage toddler temper tantrums

Many parents dread the thought of going shopping with their toddlers. They can't enjoy an uninterrupted dinner at a restaurant. They avoid going to house parties for fear of embarrassing temper tantrums. Their babysitters keep quitting.

Keep in mind that children are not born to destroy the lives of parents. They want to be happy and please parents as much as you want them to. Here are some suggestions that might help. Toddlers tend to throw tantrums for different reasons. Hence, it is best to find the trigger of their outburst first, before dealing with it. And managing toddler temper tantrum actually start way before the tantrums occur.

Keep your child well fed and rested

Keep a consistent daily routine and schedule for meals, sleeping hours and nap time. Once they are well rested and fed, you are already halfway to victory. Try and learn your toddler’s limits, and when he or she is tired. It is not always necessary to force issues on them. Moreover, toddlers are often cranky when they are tired, hungry or sleepy. Let them rest, instead of having them engage in an activity that they don’t want to. Even us adults become irritable, cranky, and uncooperative when we are hungry, tired, and stressed. A tired child is more prone to tantrums, so offer some comfort and lull him to sleet. Try to lay down for a nap if possible with your toddler. If you are stressed and tired, your toddler can sense the tenseness in you, and that in turn can cause restlessness in your child.

Provide positive attention

As much as your toddler seeks autonomy, they still want your attention and help. Get in the habit of giving them the attention they need. Compliment your attention giving endeavors by praising your toddler whenever he or she does something good. By rewarding their good actions and behaviors, you reinforce what you want them to do more. In other words, you encourage them to continue behaving well. Schedule time to play with your toddler, read stories, and sing songs and sometimes just goof around together. Once your children are satisfied with having had enough of your attention, they are less likely to seek it in a destructive way.

A happy child is more cooperative

Involve your toddler in house chores. If you are doing dishes, lay a large bath towel on the kitchen floor, give you child a bucket of water, and let you toddler wash his/her play house dishes. Give your child a duster and let him/her follow you around and dust after you. Let them match socks and fold their underwear and little shirts and pants when you are folding laundry. If you are working in the garage, let them sit near you in a safe spot and get busy with their little plastic tool. Praise them for everything they do for you even if you have to redo everything they did later. They don't need to do a perfect job. It gives them a sense of being like Mommy or Daddy. You never know, they might actually learn a thing or two later.

Explanation vs. order

Avoid saying "Don't do this, don't do that". Kids like to do exactly what they are told not to. Instead, tell or show them the consequences of certain actions. Exe. If you do not want them to reach up and touch that glass vase on the table, tell them what happens if someone touches it and makes it fall. It can break and hurt them. Kids are smarter than we expect.

Positive reinforcement

Praise and reward with your child on good behaviors. Give a little treat for a good deed like spend some time play with your child together. Ignore minor things you don't like them to repeat. Stop firmly bad behaviors by diverting their attention to something else. If that does not work, a brief timeout can be applied. Explain clearly why they need to sit down quietly alone.

Behavioral Conditioning

Any demand made by screaming and crying should be ignored and your child needs to be told to stop immediately or they will be sent to their room till they calm down. The first couple of times, the crying may last for a while. Don't give in even if it breaks your heart to hear your child's deathlike misery. You would like to nip it from the bud. Once the crying stops, you need to reassure your child of your love and move on. Avoid spending too much time making up. That leads to further tantrums in return for your attention.

Let your child have some control

Let your child choose what she wants to do during playtime, instead of trying to control it. Even beyond playtime, involve her/him in a few things that need some decision making. However, keep in mind that you want them to have control over minor things, so they will be willing to let go of control when major decisions need to be made by you. For example, it is cold outside, and you are taking your toddler to the park. You would like your toddler to wear a warm jacket , thick and warm socks, a beanie, and mittens.  Your toddler does not want to wear any of the items. Instead of forcing your toddler to wear everything, let go the control on the socks, beanie, and the mittens, so you can get that warm jacket on the toddler. If she/he wants to wear socks of two different colors, and totally mismatched beanie and mittens, let her/him have control. Keep the big picture in mind, the goal is to keep her/him from getting cold.

Give wining alternatives for them to choose from

If your toddler dislike eating vegetables, give her/him two or three choices to pick from, instead of only one. So your toddler feels in control of what she/he can eat. If broccoli is her/his least favorable vegetable, you will have a struggle that leads to a tantrum if you insist on broccoli. Give your toddler choices of broccoli, green peas, or carrots. No matter what is chosen, you are a winner, and your toddler feels in control of the situation. If wearing tennis shoes are required for the trip to the park, present two pairs of tennis shoes for your toddler to choose from instead of demanding him/her to put on the one pair you picked out.

Keep The Toddle Distracted

Toddlers have a short attention span. Hence, they can easily forget something just as quickly as it caught their attention. If they were playing with something dangerous or harmful, quickly replace it with one of their favorite toys. By telling them “No” will sometimes leads to them wanting to do it more and throwing a tantrum when you pull them away from it. Some parents want to teach their children to follow the rules and be obedient, this might not be the right age to do so.

How To Deal With An Actual Temper Tantrum

Temper tantrums are inevitable and cannot always be avoided. So, what can a parent do to manage them effectively?

Withdraw Your Attention

When your toddler is throwing a tantrum, sometimes withdrawing your attention is the best thing to do. By giving him attention, you are simply reinforcing his behavior. Instead, ignore him until he is done with his temper tantrum and is ready to behave. Try to ignore undesirable behaviors so they do not get into the habits of using what they think will get you upset so you will yell at them, because negative attention is sometimes better than no attention.

Once they see that their tantrum isn’t getting them anywhere, they’ll stop. However, if the tantrum often involves self- harm, do not withdraw your attention. Instead, stay with them until they calm down.

Keep your cool

When a toddler loses it, we often tend to lose it too, or at least feel like it. In such situations, it’s necessary that you stay calm. Do not yell back, even if the toddler is yelling.

The goal is to calm him down, so you should speak in a soft and calm voice without compromising position. You are also modeling the appropriate behavior to your toddler.

Distract Your Toddler

As previously mentioned, toddlers have a short attention span. Hence, it is really easy to distract them from the initial cause of the tantrum. Always carry toys and other necessary distractions in your purse or bag for such occasions. Present the distraction with excited voice and enthusiasm to lull your toddler over.

Encourage Positive Behavior

Every parent’s nightmare is when their child throws a tantrum is a public area. Your child is on the floor, kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. All the attention is on you. What do you do?

Take the toddler outside and stay there until he/she comes down. Having the toddler away from the scene that triggered the tantrum helps a lot.

When in public places, always have an incentive in place so that they can behave. For instance, always reward their good behavior after dining in a restaurant with ice-cream or even a movie. Offer him his favorite cookie after he finishes his vegetables.

When children live in a loving and nurturing environment with consistency, they are more secured and content. Parents might still experience the occasional fussiness and crying spells. But you shouldn’t have any fear of taking your toddlers to public places or dining out with your families and friends.