Parenting for Teens

Parenting for Teens

A rebellious teenager in a household can cause tremendous stress and disruption in your family life. Shipping your teen to a remote island is unfortunately not a practical solution. Understanding the cause and sharpening our parenting skills might be a better route to take to minimize teenage rebellion. The result can be very rewarding both in the short and long run.

Like life’s many problems, in order to solve a problem, we need to first understand the root of the issue. Teenagers are growing physically, intellectually and emotionally. This change and growth is often accompanied by a myriad of hormonal changes. These hormonal changes often dictated the teenager's emotions, actions and reactions. This is also the stage  your teenager is trying to discover who he is and how he can transition from childhood to adulthood.

Unlike when he was a child, your teenager wants his space. In other words, he wants to make his own decisions and spend less time with you as the parent. This stage calls for you, as the parent, to shift gears and tweak your parenting approach. Parenting teens is different from parenting younger child.

The Teenage Brain

According to the University of Rochester Medical Centre, the rational part of the teenage brain, which is the prefrontal cortex, is still developing. That part of the brain will not be fully developed until he is around 25 years of age. Hence, teenagers tend to rationalize information using the emotional part of the brain, which is known as the amygdala. In other words, teenagers tend to be dictated by their emotions.

As much as they need their space and independence, parents need to offer guide and discipline.  However there is a delicate balance of needing the control as parents and fostering a sense of self and responsibility in your teenager. How much control should we give away? What control are we giving away? It's evident that breathing down their necks every hour will only lead to parent-child conflicts. Yet if left alone, some teenagers will engage in behaviors that are viewed as self-indulging, self-centered, and irresponsible. So, what is a parent to do?

Understand your teenager’s developmental needs

According to Erikson’s stages of human development, the major task to be accomplished during the teen stage is identity development. Thus, part of being a teenager is discovering self as he transitions from childhood into adulthood. This is where they are trying to find out who they really are. With the need to learn who they are, comes the need to make their own decisions. Teenagers tend to gravitate towards their peers rather than their family to know who they are apart from their family. This individuation is where they try to discover their values, goals and dreams they can claim ownership of. Parents tend to see this as rebellion or rejection of the family or the parents.. This is where different parenting styles come into play. As previously mentioned we should shift gears and change our parenting styles to accommodate the changes that come with teenagehood. It is important that we allow them develop into their own person, but at the same time, ensure that they still value family time. Find something that both you and your teenager enjoy doing during family time. You might have to learn his new interests and try and engage in them as well. A common ground can help you stay connected.

Importance of parent-child relationship

It is essential to remember, that even if your teenager wants his space, parent-child relationships still matter. The bond that you worked so hard to develop when he was younger is still a crucial factor to how your teenager turns out. Recent research confirms that teenage behavior is connected to the nature of their relationship with their parents. If the relationship is poor, the teenager is more likely to end up taking drugs and engaging in early sexual activity. However, teenagers that enjoy a good relationship with their parents are more likely to perform better in school and overall good behavior.

First, determine if the rebellious behaviors are caused by behavioral or mental disorders. Most parents would have already known in the early years of their child's life.  If your child has always been a difficult case, seek professional counseling ASAP. 

Teenage years are the most difficult and confusing time in one's life. Teenagers struggle through identity crisis, peer pressure, self esteem, acceptance and relationship issues. We know that a large percentage of adults go through depression. We seldom recognize teenage depression. Frustration with school and friends can add to the discomfort of their fluctuating hormones. Pay attention to your teenager and if needed, enroll them in stress management programs or professional counseling. Most health insurance policies will cover that.

Any dramatic events in your child’s life, like divorce of parents, death of a close family member or friend, need to be dealt with through professional counseling and therapy. Having said all that, there are many proactive approaches parents can adopt to assist your teenager through this particular stage of life.

Prayers, prayers and prayers. Through our prayers, we can gain wisdom, insight and inner strength from God. Prayers keep parents from stepping over the line to insanity. It can also prevent unnecessary hurts and resentments caused by actions and reactions in the name of parental love.

1. Be a good role model: Teach your child good values and morals through your own actions and behaviors. Start them in community services and volunteer work early in life. Involve them in church groups and activities.

2. Be consistent and fair: Establish consistent house rules that are age appropriate and stick to them. Punishment for wrong doings should be doable, spelled out clearly and followed through. Once punished, you should not use it against your child in the future. It is totally unfair to ask your teenager to follow rules that you cannot do yourself.

3. Be Involved: Spend time with your teenagers doing what's fun for them. Listen to their music, watch their favorite shows, play their favorite games with them. They are more open to conversations in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Besides, you would like to know what influences them. If they are heading in the wrong direction, you can steer them back before it's too late. 

4. Be understanding: Being a teenager is all about "Hanging out with Friends" and being accepted by others. The peer pressure a teenager goes through can be very stressful in their perspective. NEVER EVER embarrass your teenagers in front of their friends. NEVER EVER get personal when your teenager choose to hangout with friends rather than going to a family gathering with you on an ordinary weekend. Include their friends in your family events instead. 

5. Be generous: Give some phone privilege to your teenager. A separate house line only cost $5.00.  Pick a cell phone plan that includes unlimited texting. Your teenagers are going to talk and text and talk and text to their friends no matter what. Save yourself the agony of cell phone overages.

6. Be a good chauffeur: Offer to drive your teenagers and their friends around whenever possible. A home trapped teen can't be a happy one. If they need to be out about anyway, you would want them to be in safe rides. 

7. Be a good host: Welcome their friends into your house and never judge their buddies. Make your home a teen hangout haven. The more time your teenagers spend at home, the less likely they will get into trouble outside. 

8. Be wise: Whenever possible, say "YES" to their requests as long as they are not outrageously ridiculous. Reserve the "NO's" only to major decision making and to requests that post potential danger to their safety and health. 

9. Be patient: Leave your teenagers alone when they are in a bad mood. Give them space and time to come around. NEVER demand an answer for their moodiness. They are as clueless as you are. If something is really bothering them, you will hear it when they are ready. 

10. Be a good listener: listen to your teenagers and find out what troubles them. NEVER lecture them when they are venting their problems to you. They already feel miserable. You don't need to tell them what they did wrong. They will stop talking to you if you do. Save your advices and opinions some other time. You want your teenagers to always come to you if they are in trouble. 

11. Be less critical: Constant criticism can lead to adverse effects. Recognize and praise your teenager’s strengths and avoid comparing them to others. Enjoy your child's uniqueness. Ignore minor mistakes.

12. Be supportive: Get involved in your teenager’s activities as much as they want you to and be a good cheer. They need acceptance and approval from you as much as from their friends. 

13. Learn About The Technology They Use: Technology is always changing. The devices teenagers use this days are more advanced than the ones we were exposed to during our teenage years. Now, they can talk to their friends through various social media platforms such Snapchat, Whatsapp, Facebook,  and Instagram. Learn about them and use these platforms as well. Track their behavior and activities on these platforms. This will help you learn more about his/her interests. Moreover, you will be able to advise and protect them from unscrupulous internet scams among other things.

14. Be humble: Admit your own mistakes: You will get more respect from your child. They can also learn from your mistakes. 

15. Be human: Always try to remember what you were like when you were a teenager. Remember the mistakes you made. Just because we have matured through our trials and mistakes doesn't mean our children do not have the right to experience their own. The next time you want to be harsh with them, put yourself in their shoes first. 

16. Be a friend and a family: Once your child becomes a teenager, the nature of your relationship essentially changes. Your teenager needs a parent and a friend at the same time. You should still set the limits that they shouldn't cross, and still be there to love and accept them. Try and remember how you were in your teenage years, and you'll be more understanding of your teenage child.

17. Let Them Find Their Passion: As we've already established, your teenager is trying to chart his own course in this particular stage. The key thing is to walk by  his side while as he walks along. Avoid forcing your dreams and wishes down his throat, and support what your teenager is passionate about instead.

18. Eat meals together as a family: Always eat meals together, especially at the end of the day. During this time, you can discuss the day's events and learn about how your teenager is handling his daily life and activities. These discussions are important as they can help you stay up to date with your teenager's life. Moreover, they can help you notice or identify any problems that he/she may be experiencing. Refrain from unwanted advice giving or lecturing at meal times. Otherwise your teenager will find excuse to avoid dinner time. Forcing your teenager to sit with the family for dinner is not a productive method, but can only lead to more conflicts.

It is a very challenging task to raise a teenager as parents, as much as it is for a teenager to transition from being a dependent child into an adolescence and eventually adulthood. Remember we are the parents here, who are supposed to help our children through this difficult time of life.  Seek wisdom, plan strategies and shower your child with love. Be firm and assertive when you need to be, but still be willing to let them make mistakes, grow, and discover themselves.